One of our own birth mothers shares her answers to some of your most often asked questions.
A birth mom who recently made an adoption plan for her son through Christian Family Services shares her answers to some questions we most often hear from those considering adoption.
I have heard that getting an abortion is better than choosing adoption. Am I a bad person for thinking about adoption?
Absolutely not. Are you a bad person for thinking of the baby’s wellbeing and giving them a chance at life? Are you a bad person for giving a family a baby when they aren’t able to have one? These are wonderful gifts to be able to give to someone.
Should I choose an adoption agency or find a family on my own?
When you choose an agency like I did, you are given many possible families to choose from. You learn all about them and then you get to meet them to see who you feel is the perfect fit. It’s the only way I would have it.
How will I know that adoption is the best choice for me and my child?
You will feel at peace with it. Once I had made the choice to go with adoption, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I knew my son would have an amazing life.
Will I regret choosing adoption?
Everyone is different. Personally, I do not regret the decision. I know he has the best life possible. But, I do regret that I as his mother was not able to provide that for him. I regret the circumstances that I put myself in at that time and I regret my choices that led to it. But I do not regret having him, nor do I regret adoption.
What should I do if my family doesn’t agree with my adoption plan?
I have dealt with guilt from family members, judgmental friends and family, and horrible remarks. There’s nothing you can do to change how they feel about it. But only you know exactly what you are going through and only you can make the choice that’s right for you. Never let anyone, even family, make you do something you don’t want to do. You know what is right for you and your baby, and as hard as it is, you have to just shut out the negativity.
Will I get to choose the family who will adopt my child?
More than likely, yes. If you go through an agency like I did, then absolutely you will. It’s all on your terms and your criteria.
What can I expect after my child is adopted?
You can expect immediate sadness. I’m sorry, but that’s the first thing that comes and you have to be prepared for it. After the initial sadness, if you have an open or semi open adoption, you can expect pictures or updates or just contact from the adoptive parents. You are going to be going through a long recovery physically, and mentally you will be a wreck. Lean on your friends and family. Don’t be afraid to share with the adoptive parents how you are feeling. In my experience, being up front and honest with the parents has been essential. You will create a bond with them.
What’s something unexpected that you went through during the adoption process?
I chose a closed adoption. I wanted nothing to do with my child or the adoptive parents, solely because I felt that my heart couldn’t take it. What surprised me was that soon after he was born and they took him home, my feelings changed and the parents were actually very understanding. We have a fully open adoption now.
Should I see my child after delivery?
Honestly, that’s up to you. Everyone grieves differently. If you feel you need to see them, then by all means do so! I spent 2 days with my baby in the hospital, and I don’t regret that at all. It was an amazing experience. If you feel too fragile, then you don’t have to see your baby. Just make sure you don’t look back and have any regrets on the situation.
What was the hardest part of adoption?
The hardest part for my boyfriend and I was leaving the hospital without our baby. We spent 2 days bonding with him and taking care of him and I spent 9 months carrying him, and then he didn’t come home with us. It was heart breaking. But you have to keep in mind the gift you’re giving someone. The life your baby will have, because if you’re considering adoption then you probably know you can’t give them the best life at this time. We kept the hope that we would be reunited with him again one day.
What’s the best part of adoption?
The best part was the new family that we now have. The adoptive parents are family to us. Their family is our family, and their other kids are our family. There’s more love now.
Will I be ok after choosing adoption?
Yes, you will. It is a type of loss, and like with all grieving processes, it will take time. Eventually, hopefully, you will only see the good. Surround yourself with support, and take the time that you need to deal with your loss. But in most cases, it’s only a goodbye for now. You will find peace in knowing that your baby has the best chances in life because of you. It is the ultimate selfless act that a person can commit. And it’s so hard. But as parents, we want only the best for our children. This was the best for our son. I am okay. I survived. I am a better version of myself now after this. I strive to be someone he will be proud of meeting in the future.